"The Fashion Farm"

Previously, on Project Runway:
There's a mad dash for fabric/"I'm gonna do my own thing/"It looks like a Hershey Bar"
Ok, last week I started watching on a slight delay, so I missed the opening credits and the "Johnny, tell them what they'll win!" parts of the show. I see that one of our dude designers announces that his scissors are "his weapon of choice". Oh, such a badass. Also, among the usual winnings is an HP technology/design suite. No more free car?
And it's morning in the Atlas apartments. Emilio and Jesus are bunking together in Cuarto Latino: El Talentoso y el Ostentoso, as Jesus announces that he is stepping up his game (and by this he means, no more dresses that look like Hershey Bars with legs).
Over in the girls' pen, we hear that Pamela teared up as Christiane went home (oh, Pamela, you have no idea), Anna is hoping for an "eccentric" New York challenge (dressing the homeless? constructing an evening gown out of discarded MTA cards?), and Janeane like, totally wants to go to Mood. I just love hearing Tim say Moooooood.
On set, Heidi appears, announcing that the next challenge will be a little "out there", or as I hear it, auf dair. Janeane thinks this can mean only one of two things: going to the moon or a Broadway show. Yes, those are the only options imagineable. And then I begin to daydream what a moon challenge would be like...Michael Kors exclaiming, "That spacesuit gives this girl hips that she does NOT normally have. Everyone else did silver space suits, you could have really taken this to the next level, and you didn't." But I digress...
Cut to a farm, Tim Gunn looking out of his element, and models wearing size 0 potato sacks. The designers are instructed to create a party look out of a potato sack. Seth Aaron/Leatherfaced Stephan Jenkins thinks the more odd the challenges, the better. Oh, S.A., you oddball you. I'm still shocked by how well your zipper monstrosity did last week.
Oh, there's more...the models will be wearing their looks to an industry event...and the models will be choosing their designer. Ooh, the tables have turned! This is unsettling for Janeane. "In addition to designing, you have to be wanted". Well, that is the point, Janeane. Somewhere along the line someone has to pay you money to design your clothes. That is how it works.
Jay is picked first and flips out, then performs a muddy backflip, followed by Jesus (hey, it's just a hop skip and a jump from burlap to croc skin). Incredibly, Ping's model has a death wish and chooses her again. Maybe she liked galumping down the runway in Pavarotti's bed linens? There is high drama when model #4K7YT63 switches from Mila to Anthony. I guess sass trumps ability for some models. Mila is perplexed, and PISSED. Janeane is chosen second to last- had she been chosen last things would have gotten real ugly real fast- so Mila is the last kid picked to play dodgeball. She wonders aloud if she is chopped liver. Nothing stings harder than rejection by a 17 year-old model.
The designers then have their choice of farmstand materials, which includes ribbons, horse hair, and buttons. Ping states that she just wants to make an interesting, simple garment. We shall see about that, P-Dub. Mila turns chopped liver into...chopped liver lemonade (citrus AND iron) and discovers that she and her new model have the same taste.
Anthony begins to sweat like a Baptist preacher as he discovers that he has a "verbal" client with many demands. Anthony, hon, you better thank your lucky, ghetto stars this girl wanted you. Make it work!
The designers are in the workrooms and busy "sketching" with their chubby, new HP styluses (stylusi?). Maya, who is still a blank for me and has gotten little air time, thinks it will be a problem trying to make burlap look expensive. Maya, meet understatement. Understatement, Maya. I have a feeling Seth Aaron (Native American name: Two Names) is gonna try to keep it rough around the edges, literally. Ha!
Emilio is glad to have immunity, since burlap is "as old as Moses". Yes, I believe he was floated down the Nile in burlap, right? I don't know, my knowledge of Moses is based entirely on old Charlton Heston biblical epics.
Jesus is using reams of ribbon, and I don't know about Jesus, but I sense a hot mess coming.
A designer whose name I cannot remember for the life of me- Billy? Bronzey? Bob? Burlap? - is designing a tulip/vagina dress. This tulip could either be awesome, or hideous.
Mila is massively questioning everything now, and is focusing the stink eye on Anthony like a laser beam. "It's her loss", she says of the Model Who Got Away. I just got a shiver. Do we have an early candidate for Season 7 cast bitch? Our first moment of drama this season! And another reason to keep Anthony around, questionable taste aside. Anthony announces that Mila can kiss the collective ass of the Williams clan. Oh, what hath this model wrought?
First commercial break...an ad for a certain online dating site. Oh, the first date with someone from that site is never like in the ads, where both people look attractive, well-dressed, and giggle nervously and feed each other lobster and lamb over a candlelit dinner. It's more like, you size each other up to see how much (or how little) you resemble the profile photo, and then proceed to make awkward small talk for an hour or so over Peet's coffee. That's all.
Back to the show: One of my favorite aspects of Project Runway: the sewing montage. Nothing says pulse-punding like a needle pulling thread. Anna is doing a potato print, thinking out of the box (out of the sack?).
Tim consults with Pamela, and he worries that a one-piece will be logistically harder than a two-piece. When Tim is worried, you should be worried. Whereas Mila shows that, when in doubt, use duct tape (yeah, there's an image for that). Jay has flabbergasted Tim by his insistence on using tulle. And I just rewound that 5 times on my DVR to see Tim's flabbergasted face. When you flabbergast Tim, you in trouble (oh, but are you?). Tim announces that he's just glad that he's not in Jay's shoes. Cause then he'd be wearing open toed sandals with a suit?
Ping is intriguing to Tim, intriguing to me, and reminds me more and more of a Chinese Yoko Ono. However, her skirt is crotch-tastic. Her model will be tip-toeing and hunched over and making no false movements on the runway. Two Names is very amused.
Amy is dip dyeing her burlap, and has an open back. Amy's model wants something different, but Amy knows where it's at: forget the model, you are designing for Nina Gahcia!
Jesus is working on a fitted skirt, and that burlap is disappearing, becoming a ribbon skirt. I think I may have earned a patch for something like this when I was a Brownie and selling Tagalongs door to door. Tim thinks that he has "skirted the challenge". Oh Tim, you so witty! The other designers begin looking over at the exchange between Tim and Jesus. They smell blood in the water. He announces, "I have to be Jesus". All hail Hay-seuss!
Tim Gunn implores them to make it work, and Seth Aaron makes another funny face and rolls his eyes. I'm sorry, this dude kinda creeps me out. Jerk alert.
The models come in, and Ping tells hers that "I have to make sure your buttocks are covered." Burlap butt flaps- don't leave home without them! Seth Aaron rightly concludes that ping's lack of construction experience is scary. Shit, how do you think the poor model feels?
A word from me to Hay-seuss. Jesus, dude, you were almost eliminated on the first challenge. Both Tim and your model don't like the overly ribboned look. I get it, stubbornness is what we Mexicans do best, and don't you try to convince us otherwise. And yet...you're 21, mijo. And you're no Christian Siriano. Listen, listen, listen.
Anthony got saddled with a difficult client. Ha! Who's fuming in the corner now, Mila. She says that she is blessed to have her model dis her. Oh, you are so not over it, Mila.
Jay's dye job has unexpectedly gone navy, and we get our first extended bleeeeeeep of the season. It is midnight, and he is half done. Eek.
Ad time: "The Wicked Awesome Pregnancy Pact", featuring a gaggle of pregnant 13 year olds, Camryn Manheim, perhaps the most famous graduate of my alma mater, UC Santa Cruz, and Thora Birch, last seen as Kevin Spacey's moody daughter a zillion years ago. What would washed-up actors of the 90's do without Lifetime movies of the week?
Back to: Pamela doesn't want to be one of those people that sews the model into her dress. Just wait, hon, just wait. Jesus is my candidate for getting aufed this week, while Jonathan is having a boots or shoes, shoes or boots crisis at the Bluefly accessory wall.
Jay is freaking out and just wants to finish. Now, that is where Emilio was last week, and he made it work. But he had a great design to start with, and it didn't change color midway through.
I am eating up this extra, bonus sewing montage. Sew, designers, sew! Tim plugs the sponsors, like Garnier Fructis.
Ben's dress (got it, his name is Ben) is simple and pretty. There is panic all around. Jonathan announces that Ping's garment is not functional, in that it doesn't cover her ass. Yeah, somehow I don't think this is what the model asked for. Ping is smiling, and says something about, "Your hips make it move". Yes, but is it heinous and wrong.
Mascara, blush, hairspray, curlers.
More designer on designer bitching: Anthony thinks Pamela's garment looks huge in the butt, and he is right. Why are the designers having major ass-related issues? Is it the models? The ass-less mannequins? Is burlap an unforgiving fabric for butts? I imagine it is in terms of chafing. Ouch.
Janeane is having zipper issues. Jay, who is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, notes that everyone is running around like chickens with their heads cut off.
Grab those shoes and GO!
Commercial corner: We learn that this episode is brought to you by Sarah Marshall (is it just me, or do all these blonde actresses look the same?)and Mr. Fergie. This new "When in Rome" movie looks all kinds of lame. For one thing, from what I gather from the ads, this girl has 5 dudes fall in love with her in Rome, and NONE of them are dark, handsome Italian men? Boo. It doesn't get more corn-fed and All-American than Josh Duhamel. Dude's from North Dakota.
Back: on the runway. Our judges are Michael Kors, Nina Garcia, and a 60-something Anna Paquin (ok, former it-girl Lauren Hutton).
Anthony's dress is a lovely wine color, and is slightly elegant, though on the short side. Big Improvement.
Ping's booty dress comes out...and only now she realizes what's wrong with it? This simply must be seen to be believed. Seth Aaron stifles a guffaw, and Heidi tries to get a glimpse of the asche.
Ben's dress has that same red of Anthony's, but the model looks pregnant. Not too flattering.
Mila's dress is metallic, gray and shiny, lowcut, def a nightclub dress. It is modern and very cool.
So far I'm loving Anna's romantic, feminine designs. They are very distinctive. She could be an under the radar threat.
Jesse the pirate gave his model a lovely equestrian outfit, complete with jhodpurs. Although he gets points for being the only one to do pants, it still looks too burlappy to me.
Seth Aaron: I think the judges will like this, but I also think her skirt looks like a lampshade, and the hood makes her look like she's wearing a hazmat suit. Plus, the model looks like the girl from George Michael's Father Figure video. Not a plus or a minus, just an observation.
Amy's dress is beyond great; it looks like it came from a burlap sack, but made elegant and feminine. The model looks fierce.
Janeane worked it out with this challenge. So, working with regular old materials tripped her up, but the burlap challenge let her shine in this elegant burgundy and gray dress?
Jay's dress is a little short, but it looks like he really pulled it off.
Emilio's aesthetic as a designer is very evident after only challenges. His look is similar to last week, yet more elegant. I love the pencil skirt, and it all looks immaculately constructed.
Jesus' dress is ill-fitting on the top, and looks otherwise like something you'd see on sale at JC Penny.
Jonathan produced a sexy dress with black lace down the front. He is right, it is different from what everyone else did.
Maya sends down the piñata from my 9th birthday party. Ruffles of brown, red and yellow make this a lovely mardi gras float . Ick.
Pamela's dress: This indeed looks denim. But with the lacing in the back, she also looks like a hostess at the Howdy Ho saloon (which I think is somewhere in El Paso). Ill-fitting, tacky and boring, this dress is a triple threat of horrid.
Time for judging...time. They all like Jay's feminine look, and the patterns. Paquin likes it, though Pamela's dress is too short, too tight, and not sophisticated. MK thinks a plain potato sack would be more flattering on her. Ouch.
Mila's dress is futuristic, and Heidi, oh Heidi, likes that you can kinda "see da booby." Garcia says she brought it from the farm to the future.
Ping springs forth some verbal diarrhea about how she thought the model's skin color would contrast with the shape of the dress. They'll notice you for the wrong reasons, cries Kors! (unless you want your butt crack to get a lot of attention).
Jesus, man, you shoulda listened to Tim Gunn! Heidi doesn't like the ribboning over of the burlap, and also suspects that he skirted the challenge. Lauren Hutton thinks it's a confusing assault on the eye.
Amy went for an organic look, and they love it. Kors loves that she really used the fabric and made it flirty.
During judges' powwow, Jay is praised for his transformation. The judges see lots of work, and think it is heaviness made light. Kors declares that Jesus made his model's ass look asymmetrical, with one big cheek and one small cheek. This has truly been a butt-centric episode of Project Runway. They think that Ping doesn't listen, and wonder if they even want to see more. With Pamela, her creativity is questioned, and the judges are amazed that she made the model look bigger. The ever-witty Kors says that her seam was like an arrow saying, I want to have a big butt. You other brothers can't deny.
Jay wins. Wow. I thought it was a cute dress, but the best?
He must be well-liked, because everyone else jumps for joy when he announces his win.
Ping proves that you can send a dress down the runway that looks like an ass-revealing cardboard box and not be eliminated.
It's down to the questionable taste of Pamela and Jesus...and Jesus is IN. Wow. Once again: you can send a girl on the runway with her butt catching a slight breeze, but make her hips look big and you're out? Good to know.
Next week: the first team challenge. Yay! Aufwiedersehen until next week!