The designers are lead to the Hearst building, and for a moment I think this challenge will involve the art of British artist Damien Hirst, in which dresses would look a little something like this. Tim introduces the Editor in Chief of Marie Claire, who announces, "Welcome to the Hearst Building. This is where our office is". I can't help but snicker at the obviousness in this statement. The reward for this challenge, we are told, is unprecedented- the designers are to design a look for a celebrity to wear on the cover of the magazine. The issue in question is the April cover, and there are certain rules given: The photo will be cropped, so the following elements help: color, patterns, eye-catching design, strength, and sexiness. They're also reminded that this will be a spring issue. The celeb wearing the design? Ms. Heidi Klum. This is a remarkable challenge, and one that would have normally been saved for the final episodes in previous seasons. How will the producers top this?
Sketch time for 30 minutes, then Mood. We see Tim at his most understated excited here (it's all in the furrowed brow). At Mood, Tim looks pained, like he doesn't think challenges should be this grandiose for the first half of the season. Well, he's either pained, or seeing the awful nude color Mila is selecting. "Thank you, Moooood", Tim exclaims to no one in particular.
An eery quiet hangs over the workroom, and you can tell the producers are just grasping at straws. What do you do when you have several hours of nothing but a needle pulling thread? You focus on Seth Aaron singing and humming to himself. Jay and Emilio are annoyed, and Anthony asks him if he smoked anything besides a cigarette. Watch it, Seth, he will smack you with the Good Book! Boring old Ben is working on a colorful magenta-fuschia creation, and Janeane, meanwhile, realizes she's doing bridal. "Damn it, Janeane, don't blow this." I like that Janeane is somewhat self-aware, but self-awareness does not mean you can make it work.
Martin Scorcese, after winning an Oscar for "The Departed, or, "The Depah-ted", has retained the services of Leonardo DiCaprio to make a horror film a la "The Ring". Martin Scorcese. Horror. Dead women haunting foggy islands. You be the judge.
Back in the quiet workroom, Jonathan announces that he's making a space suit. But boy oh boy, that hispter combover has got to go. Janeane is, and I quote, "trying not to emote the dread that is boiling up in my stomach". I wish I made that up. What can you do, this is heavily edited reality tv, folks. Anna's working on shorts. For a magazine cover. With no construction experience. Alrighty then, printmaker lady. Jesse says his biggest competition is half the people in the room, continuing with the theme of self-awareness among the show's least talented tonight. Mila chimes in that she doesn't see any great competition for herself among the other designers so far. Oh, Mila, you are so endearing.
It's Tim time (quick, get out your LBD!) Anthony doesn't know what his dress is gonna look like, though it is short but not formal, and he just starts cutting the strips out. Tim is not concerned, but I am!
Janeane's sketch looks pretty uninspired to me, and she tells Tim she hasn't met the judges yet, and he snort/guffaws and says that's a good thing! He knows there's nothing wrong with sneakin' in under the radar! Now, it's Anna's turn, and when Tim warns you that your design looks like clown clothes, watch out, cause you could have an angry Heidi Klum on your hands. Ben's "Madame Buttterfly on acid" look is potentially very awesome. Emilio is working on a cocktail dress (boy, designers really love making cocktail dresses, don't they? Are they singlehandedly propping up the flagging cocktail party industry?). He has actually willingly chosen to work with red again. And I'm sorry, call me fashion illiterate, but what is ombre? It's pronounced the way that annoying kid in my sixth grade Spanish class would say "hombre". He also liked to say, "Yo me llamo Jason" with llamo said like the English word llama. Ah, but I totally digress. The design in question, red and made of ombré, looks Victoria's Secret-esque.
The models enter, and we see that Jesse is making a Renaissance Faire costume, complete with braiding up the front of his teal corset. His feline-looking model should be able to pull it off. And whaddya know, Anna's shorts don't fit. Yikes. Emilio lispily notes that Anna hath very limited eck-thperience. Teehee, I like his lisp. Speaking of feline... Jay astutely notes that there's something insincere in Mila. Emilio takes the insight further, and is bothered with her design aesthetic, as it is just color blocking. So true. Even her shirt is color blocked, and looks an awful lot like this geometric thingy. Anthony's dress is actually looking cool, and he says that, life isn't fair, so why the hell should Project Runway be? Emilio's dress is looking too short, and I wonder if this is the first misstep for him. I just adore Anna's Irish model Cerri's accent. I really hope for this reason alone that Anna is not eliminated.
Morning of the runway show, Emilio announces that it's gonna be a bloodbath on the runway. His dress IS red... Jonathan agrees: a total carnival. A bloody carnival. Anthony is vamping in the mirror. Anthony just loves Anthony. Work those hips, girl. Janeane has a hunch that the bottom two will be her and Anna. Eh, I agree. Janeane can't find her jacket among a pile of scraps, and that is so not a good sign. Jay's dress is looking soooo boring. Does he think a simple summer dress is worthy of a magazine cover?
Time for Garnier consults. Take it from me, designers: the more specific you are with your hair designer, the better. So Emilio, simply saying "make it edgy" may not cut it. Tried that once!
Emilio correctly notes that there are a lot of muted colors, and he is so right. Did everyone not hear the rules?? Maybe Ben's colorful little dress will sneak in there and take the gold? It's like a fun, flirty Rubiks cube. Oh God, Janeane's dress does look bridal, down to the wispy strands of hair framing the model's face.
Random question: is the workroom a few feet away from the runway room? different floors? different buildings? Just wondering.
It is Lover's Lane weekend on Lifetime. Nothing underscores one's singletonness any more than watching Lifetime on Valentine's Day. Step away from Channel 47, ladies.
Runway time: Our guest judge today is Joanna Coles, Editor in Chief of perhaps the #4 or 5 fashion magazine in the country, Marie Claire. First up is...
Amy, whose model, actress Robin Wright, shows off a black, red, yellow dinner napkin/necktie thing that is either brilliant or ghastly. If I can't tell the difference, it must be brilliant.
Seth Aaron does a severe, gray leather suit with shoulder pads. Too formal and 1980's for my taste, but he's convinced it'll be the top-selling cover in the history of women's fashion magazines. Yeah.
Jesse designed a short, tight, v-necked ho uniform in a garish forest green. Perfect for slutty Renaissance Faires.
Anna has managed to give this lovely Irish model a crotch. That is all I will say. Perhaps for this reason alone, she will be on a one-way flight tomorrow back to Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin.
I will admit, I like Anthony's light blue/turquoise ruffled look. The model manages to make it look nice, even though she looks about 40 years old (even though this model is probably really 25, which is like 100 in model years).
Janeane's done a cream-colored bridesmaid's dress, but like more boring that the majority of bridesmaid's dresses out there. I believe this looked better when Katherine Heigl pulled it out of her closet and strutted around in it for James Marsden, aka the poor man's Tom Cruise.
There is no question that Mila is a good stylist. The model's hair, accessories, makeup and even attitude all go with the shape and color of this short dress. Unfortunately, the dress itself looks nude and gray, which means boring plus boring equals yawnsville.
Emilio is hoping that Heidi will want to return to her Victoria's Secret days, with this lovely little red negligee.
I actually love Jay's. Maybe not for this challenge, but beautiful nonetheless. It's got a unique cut, with a long flowy back and a short cut up the front, and some very Grecian detailing on the shoulder. The uniqueness saves it from the boring color. His model is fierce, too.
Jonathan says his golden/brown look is like butter, but I don't know, it is awfully short and tight. An original design, for sure, but very 80's and too Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, in my opinion. Minus pants, of course.
Maya's dress is very disappointing. It's similar to Janeane's in color and lack of wow factor.
Ben's is super cool- it's futuristic, and I love the combo of yellow, brown, and green, and the contrast with the shiny black belt. Love it!
The top three and bottom three are Ben, Anna, Anthony, Janeane, Emilio, and Mila.
Kors thinks Ben's dress will cut through the noise of the magazine stand. Anna's look has no shape or silhouette, and wow, leave it to a British judge on a reality show to master the fine art of the insult. Here's her take: it's like three ingredients in a dish that you leave you nauseous. Hehe, I had previously typed anuseous. Damn, nauseous is hard to spell. And contains an anus. Moving on: Anthony announces that his inspiration was Heidi, and figured she'd want to show off her post-baby body. Kors announces that the costume drama is over. The oh so witty Brit: if that's where next spring's gonna be, then beam me there.
One more random question of mine: why are fashion experts always such dowdy dressers themselves? Grace Coddington and Suzy Menkes, I'm thinking of you.
Janeane was inpsired by the ocean and sea colors and seashells. Hmmm, could have fooled me. Kors thinks the cover lines, like "894 new ways to please your man's earlobes", will get lost in all the seams and details. Editor in Chief says she is not getting the sea reference unless it's a polluted sea with plastic bottles in it. Oooh, this beotch is starting to remind me of this beotch. Hey mean lady, you made poor little Janeane pout! Mila, who I'm sure still thinks she's snuck into the top 3, is promptly told by Michael Kors that the "peach" color comes off as an ace bandage. Ooh, she's getting ripped! It is a jog bra with a V-neck. Strike three? According to Nina Garcia, the inverted triangles on the bottom of the dress look like they're pointing at the model's crotch. Mila is looking stoic, but inside is casting a spell on Nina with her witchy magic. When she says that it looked much peachier in her hands, Michael Kors' eyes nearly roll out of his pumpkin head. So amazingly, Emilio's trampy red dress is in the top 3. Kors admires his construction skills with jersey. Yeah, I guess you could say Emilio's a construction worker of sorts. Nina Garcia likes the detailing, but thinks with ribbons it feels very junior. Agreed! But, cut off the straps, take down the model's ponytail, and voila! She's Clark Kent! Well, no, but it DOES look way better. Um, where did those scissors come from??
Bitch time with honorary bitchitude: For Mila's look, Heidi states that she would have to put on a lot of self tanner before wearing that dress. And we learn that Emilio's scissors were, aha, in his pockets! The judges like this. They also think that Anthony's look has charm. Holy black gay man from the ghetto, Batman, Anthony wins! He is thrilled. This is an understatement. But he has no immunity, which I think would otherwise really help him. While his dress was pretty, Ben should have had that magazine cover in the bag. Mila is noticeably pissed that Anthony beat her. Bottom two is between Anna and Janeane. Anna, you are...out. She is proud of herself, and hell, she's 21, she'll be aight.
Next on: Kids? Kids?? No, Michael Kors is NOT critiquing kids!! I'm afraid I may have serious ethical issues with this challenge.
Aufwiedersehen Marie Claire readers and Project Runway viewers!
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